i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
