I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Randomize
