I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize
