The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
