he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Randomize
