he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
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