You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Courtney? Is that you? I have pictures of this very same night.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Randomize
