apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
