you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize
