Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
How did you manage that?
Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis
lol... jersey girls rock
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
