The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
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