I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
Dicks are not precious.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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