My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
