pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
