Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
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