I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
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