If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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