Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
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