He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
