You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Randomize
