Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
