i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
