it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
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