there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
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