I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
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