Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
Randomize
