i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
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