Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
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I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
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Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
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