I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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