Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Randomize
