You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
We were destined to go to rehab together
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
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