I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Randomize
