So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Randomize
