this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
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