We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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