$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
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