The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Randomize
