wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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