Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
