Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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