he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
