Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
