You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Randomize
