she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
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