When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
