My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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