Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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