i think he might wanna be bffs again, but idk cause we're friends again but we haven't been bff since like a year. i don't know what to think...
wow. what a nail bitter. i need popcorn for this. brb
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Come back. Shots need mouths.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."