if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up