Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
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