I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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