he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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