FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
