the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
