Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
