3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Yo dont text me then not text me
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
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