I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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