peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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