my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Randomize
