So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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