im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
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yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
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The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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