so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
