Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
